My blog has been offline for a few days. i am ashamed for a couple of reasons for anyone to read my blog anymore. i have been trying so hard to run two lives but i keep failing at both. so maybe it is just not possible. for those of you who followed my previous blog, you are aware i am married and live a life as a mother and partner, but that i have also lived secretly as Master IW's cunt slave since late 2006--except for the short time we broke it off. Having an affair with a married man and living a life of secrets has taken a lot of energy and an extreme toll on my ethics and what i regarded as my value system.
some time ago, i told my partner about my affair with MasterIW at which time she 'freaked' and i really figured she would leave me. She did not, and we began therapy with a very kink positive therapist. My partner could not handle my involvement with MasterIW so we (MasterIW and i) stopped seeing each other, though i remained very much connnected to him emotionally. It was easy to NOT see MasterIW because he was in recovery from major surgery. But over time, and with therapy, my Partner agreed to allow me to see MasterIW with some restrictions/boundaries. I do not wish to state what those were, except to say they were reasonable. However, during our next time together , MasterIW and i broke the rules, i blogged about the experience, and my partner found the link to my blog. Let's just say bringing the piss into the house i share with my partner was a bad idea.
So, i failed my partner in a huge way, possibly unforgiveable by having an affair. I also failed as a slave because a slave would have put the needs of her Master before her own. Finally, i failed myself because i was dishonest and that damaged my own integrity.
Maybe it means i never was a 'real' slave. my sister-slave was right about me wanting to have my cake and eat it too. guilty as charged. I DID want to be a slave without the pain of losing my partner. i operated under the premise that BOTH should be possible in a poly world but being dishonest about it brought the house down--again.
What will i do now? What will MasterIW do? This is Day 2 and i feel like an alchoholic having withdrawal symptoms. like a raccoon that chews its leg off to get out of the trap. not very noble of me, under the circumstances, since i should really be feeling grateful to my partner for understanding my pain when her own pain is so great, and grateful to MasterIW for understanding why i needed to withdraw myself . This is so fucked up. Yet again i'm not sure what direction the blog will take now, if at all. but i hope to continue reading my favorites. i've greatly enjoyed this community for the past year.
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9 comments:
I'm so sorry it has come to this for you.
It can be good to be a little selfish at times and put oneself first - but ...
In the long run we have to consider the feelings of those we love and often put their feelings before our own. Otherwise how can we truly say we love them.
The theory of a poly world is fine - but the practicality involves human emotion that does not always respond to logic.
You say you were dishonest and damaged your own integrity. That seems to sum it up - but don't be too harsh on yourself. Perhaps you can now find and build upon a new way forward that you can make work with integrity.
It is not going to be easy and the immediate future is probably still full of hurt and recriminations.
I hope you all come through it.
Good luck.
B xxxx
Thank you, beau for your kind words. i just wanted it so so badly--the way MasterIW made me feel.
Let's just say bringing the piss into the house i share with my partner was a bad idea.
This made me smile...but the rest made me so sad because my own loss is still so fresh in my heart and mind. I have moved on to a new owner...the very one my M introduced me to...but still feel M's loss daily. *hugs and good luck*
It is hard to live two lives. Once in awhile, you get lucky and you get everything you desire from one person. I think it has come to a point in your life where you must make a choice. You must pick one path. It is apparent that you cannot be true to so many paths and it does hurt everyone involved, including yourself. Take some time and think about what will truly make you happy.
I'm so sorry for you - and for your Master and partner. It's terrible to see so many people hurt but I still think you're beautiful and haven't done anything to deliberately hurt anyone (though indeed the piss idea maybe wasn't such a good one - an understandable one though)
I've commented on the amazing magic your Master and you share a couple of times, but my guess is that your partner's love for you is very deep too as she agreed to letting you see your Master. Restrictions though - in my opinion - aren't realistic, never when the power exchange is so intense. But I understand that all of you wanted, needed it to work. And I still hope that, in time, it will. And that, like Beau said, you all come through it, and get to be happy again.
x
i really admire your partner for trying that hard to find a solution.. she really loves you deeply. And i guess that makes it even harder to see her suffering so much - and you are all suffering a lot!!
i agree with slut on display.. restrictions can't work in a M/s relationship. Expecially if it's so intense as yours. i hope you can find the right solution... i will keep you in my thoughts.
i imagine it would be hard for your partner to understand why you can't refuse your Master anything he demands. There is no way that someone who has never been a slave could ever, ever understand that kind of devotion. i know what you must be feeling. i've felt it myself in fact. Facing the prospect of giving up my Master was like trying to imagine giving up air. i crave Him. i am consumed by His consumption of me.
Gosh. i feel for you girl. i don't know what to tell you. i wouldn't dream of suggesting what path to take because i haven't walked in your shoes. All i can offer is hugs and understanding. If you need to talk you know where to write me. i'll be there for you. i promise.
Big, big hug,
brooke
Thinking of you at this difficult time, i know how hard it can be at times to know what is the best thing to do... i only hope in time you will find an answer, i know you will... be strong :-)
*hugs*
t. x
It's all about adventure, and learning to handle new experiences.
Just do what you know feels right, and ignore the consequences. It';s the only way to be true to what YOU need.
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